Why Predator is the Best, Most-Manly, Action Film

Introduction

I started this blog as a way to honor one of the best action films ever made, on earth ... by humans. I have no idea how many people this blog will attract, nor do I care. I do, however, want to make it enjoyable for those who do happen to stumble upon it. So, here is my essay on why Predator is the best action (i.e. manliest) film ever exposed to celluloid.

A little background

I first saw this movie as a young teenager ... probably around 1988 (the actual theatrical release was 1987). I would have been 13 years old. My parents had cable TV with HBO, so it was a Saturday evening feature. While I cannot go into details of the movie when I first saw it (probably because of memory loss), it did leave a lasting impression on me. It certainly solidified Arnold Schwarzenegger as my favorite actor. I remember liking Arnold from his previous work (The Terminator, Commando, and The Villain). But, he wasn't a fully-fledged action hero at the time ... at least from my viewpoint.

Why Predator is the best

Below is a list of items detailing why Predator is the best movie ever made.

Explosions

If there was ever a movie in which explosions were more kick-ass, show me (besides the fake gasoline explosions in Commando). In our adventure, the team has a person dedicated solely for dishing out explosions with his grenade launcher. That person's name is Poncho. Yes, he occasionally grips an automatic weapon while traveling through the jungle. However, I cannot remember a single scene in which he uses it. If he does, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was for defense purposes only ... not to kill anyone.

Guns
Lots of them. Our tiny 7-man rescue team packs more firepower than some medium-sized armies. Along with various automatic weapons and grenades, each warrior carries enough ammunition to sink the Titanic. I also like how no provisions are brought along (food or water). Of course, some would argue this was only supposed to be a one-day operation. However, in the summer heat, in the jungle, someone must've thought there should be some effort to locate clean drinking water. What makes this movie awesome is that the team simply doesn't need to bother with water, as primmary concern is to kick ass and rescue some hostages. Besides, it would detract from the storyline (and be boring) to hear Dutch order Billy to go use his “trail" skills to find something to drink.

Blood

One ingredient necessary in all action movies. Blain is one example, as is Mack. Both die pretty gruesomely. Also, we get to see the Predator bleed ... which leads to one of the greatest tag lines in movie history, “If it bleeds, we can kill it"

Mutilation

Practically all of the team members get slaughtered pretty badly. And, the movie people didn't wuss-out and hide all the details. Not that we here at Predator Fans are macabre folks; we just like to see the original vision shown on-screen.

Bad-ass villain

Other than the alien from Aliens (and sequels), has there ever been a more lopsided villain for our hero(s) to fight? I mean, who really believed Bennett (Vernon Wells) was an even match for Matrix? The villain in Predator, quite frankly, is about the best match-up for any Arnie character (only to be out-done by Satan in End of Days).

Muscles

It's a good thing film captures more gigabytes than our current digital film cameras as Arnold-and-gang's set of muscles would certainly fill even the largest clusters of hard drives in the world! Someone needed to tell Richard Chaves to get up early with the rest of the gang to work out.

Attitude
This movie has more attitude than the heads of State of North Korea and Iran, combined! Just take a look at some of these quotes:

“If it bleeds, we can kill it" -- Dutch
Pretty ballsy considering you don't even know what you're up against!

"I ain't got time to bleed" -- Blain
Really? I didn't really think you had a choice in the matter.

“... but I wouldn't wish that on a broke dick dog." -- Billy
Coming up with unique metaphors is the trademark of any good trail blazer, such as Billy.

“Bunch of slack-jawed faggots 'round here ... this stuff'll make ya a god-damn sexual Ty-ranasaurus ... just like me" -- Blain
Holy crap ... for being a bunch of friends who've worked together for a long time, on many missions, you'd think a little bit more respect would be shown by Blain. You don't continually harass your teammates, your comrades, your brothers! Unless of course you're full of some serious attitude, and the continual harassment is your method of relieving stress.

“C'mon I'm here ... kill me; kill me NOW!!! I'm here ... DO IT NOW!!! C'MON!!!!!" -- Dutch
I suppose someone with Dutch's skills and strength, he probably doesn't feel the slightest bit of fear. Even after getting his ass handed to him by the Predator. Me on the other hand would've probably shat my entire previous days diet of tree bark and leaves.

Basically, the entire team is made up of a bunch of wild willies that eat Green Berets for breakfast.

Humor

At the proper time, we get some good jokes that add to character development. I suppose one could argue that Hawkins was a little bit too forceful with his lame-ass jokes for Billy, but hey ... Shane Black wasn't even supposed to be in the movie! I suppose the director had to come up with something for Shane to say ... even if he was the first team member to die. Other points of humor are Dillon and his constant disbelief of the events occurring around him. A favorite of mine is, “So, whadda gonna try next ... cheese?"

Chicks don't interfere

This is important. Not that we have anything against women in action films, but sometimes they are simply in the story to bog it down with some crappy love interest (Days of Thunder comes to mind). Typically, they interfere with our hero's full-time job of dishing out ass-whoopins. Interestingly, Dutch has to prevent Anna from grabbing a fallen comrade's weapon to defend herself from the Predator! Now, that's one bad-ass women (albeit stupid based upon previous outcomes if you try to stand up to the Predator ... see drinking game for more details).

International disregard

The team wasn't even supposed to be there (neither was the previous team, which sets up a confrontation between Dutch and Dillon). I like the fact that total disregard by the United States government was displayed (as sometimes is required in these situations). Hey, we bear the brunt of the world's problems ... we're afforded the luxury of doing whatever we want. Deal with it.

Constant use of manly products and gestures

Tobacco, knives, big guns, hand signals ... all things chics would never use or do.

Typically, chics don't smoke cigars (unless you're Elaine from Seinfeld). Blain chews a lot of Red Man in the movie. I think almost all men respect a man who chews, as it is the nastiest thing a person should never enjoy. However, Blain does it with nothing but pure bliss shown on his face. Classic. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that in the history of human civilization, no woman has ever enjoyed a good handful of Red Man chewing tobacco ... let alone Kodiak.

The knife is usually off-limits to women due to their weak arms (Dwight Schrute – Dunder-Mifflin). They wouldn't be able to throw them very far, or with much velocity. In fact, to nail the head into the coffin, I'd bet big money a knife would simply bounce off the average man's chest if thrown by a woman. At the very least, the rescue team would simply catch the knife with their teeth.

Plain and simple; unless you're in a combat situation, you will never use hand signals. And, (correct me if I'm wrong) the United States military doesn't subject women to combat situations (unless they're a pilot, and in that case, hand signals would merely be “ok, I'm ready to leave the runway now").

The Ending
If you're part of a clandestine military unit, you had better expect your buddies not to return home with you ... alive or dead. The end of the movie, in my view, is a realistic end and makes the movie so much more believable (haha!). Basically, what I'm saying is that this is not some sappy-ass cliché studio-enforced ending. I'd certainly like to believe this is the case. I'm glad only the hero survived (I guess Anna can live too ... if you believe the Predator was only there to hunt worthy opponents).